To the new mom

To the new mom

I’ve been in your shoes

I bet they’re shoes that could use a clean, or don’t fit quite right anymore. They’re last year’s shoes, at the least, and they’re probably tattered. But your managing. Your shoes may have changed from those you used to wear. These shoes are for walking, rocking, chasing, shopping, changing, lugging, feeding. swaying. These shoes are made for comfort, not style. You’re wearing these shoes while your babies grow right before your eyes. You’re rocking those worn out shoes as you budget to buy your baby a new pair for herself.

She has three sandals and three warm shoes. Two pairs of moccasins. Slippers. And that one pair you bought just because.

Your partner has shoes, too. Dress boots, work boots, running shoes, hiking shoes, sandals, slippers, golf shoes, house shoes.

Have you even thought about your shoes lately?

Have you thought about you?

This blog isn’t about shoes. It’s about you.

YOU, mama.

It’s from me, looking back and feeling melancholy as I remember what used to run through my head. Remembering the hastily typed notepad notes on my phone of things I wanted to remember or things I needed to vent to anyone without real ears. Things I never planned to share, often hastily & haphazardly typed sometime after a 2am wakeup. Things I regretted as I wrote them. Notes where I confessed my resentment, my fear, my intrusive thoughts, my humorous moments. The things you think but don’t want anyone to hear. I’ve had those thoughts your having right now.

I’ve been in your shoes.

It’s normal. It passes.

Motherhood can feel isolating - although you haven’t had your body to yourself in months - it’s a weird feeling hard to describe.

Your body is now a tool for another being, when it used to just be yours.

You want alone time. You want rest. You want space. You want spontaneity. But at the same time you want cuddles and connection, you want confidence, you want this new purpose, you want to feel wanted by your partner. You want only you to hold your baby while at the same time your arms ache for a break. You want to be a certain type of mom and wife. You add expectations to yourself.

It’s normal. It passes.

I used to yearn for a user’s manual for those first few months of motherhood. Isn’t there instructions somewhere?? A wise old friend who can walk me through this? Am I really just supposed to come home from the hospital after having the most life changing experience, now holding the most life changing gift (my baby), and just innately KNOW how to mesh things back into my old life?? Does my old life still exist? Does the old me still exist?

Days turned to weeks turned to months turned to years. Liberty is now nearing three years old and while I can assure you with absolute certainly that none of us truly know what we’re doing until we do it, I do have some advice for you.

I have advice for you, that I wish someone had told me.

Maybe someone did tell me, but I didn’t hear it past the realization that nothing would truly have my full attention ever again. The looming anticipation of the rest I hadn’t lost yet. I didn’t hear it past my baby’s big beautiful eyes staring up at mine and the overwhelming joy of new mornings together. But I wish I had.

It’s normal, it passes.

So if you’re reading this - here goes. Listen up, new mama.

Take up space.

Take up SPACE just like everyone else in your family. Don’t let yourself fall to the back burner while you pour yourself into everybody else first. You come first just like they all do. You’re not the “glue” holding it all together behind the scenes. You’re a main character, too. Of course this sounds self-centered- but that’s society telling us it is - it’s not. Imagine a dining room table - everyone has a seat. In this mental picture, are you sitting there, as well? Or did you just imagine everyone else sitting around it?

Pull up a seat, you belong at the table too.

Take up space in your lifestyle just as everyone else does. You deserve a long shower too, at least every other day. You get to have dinner also, not just the cold picked-over remnants. You need rest. You need sharing of responsibility. You need respect.

Your baby doesn’t limit your ability to care for yourself, you are incredible mother even if you sneak away for that 15 minute shower.

It’s okay to fuel your other passions still in addition to motherhood. Start something creative, or maybe a new workout to move your body. Pour yourself into something that can be just for you. Get yourself a new pair of shoes, too.

Guard you energy, and check your expectations.

I don’t just mean your energy from getting more than 2 hour stretches of sleep (heyoooo) I mean your spirit, as well. Guard your spirit, and set boundaries if you need to. Keep them. Unapologetically. You’re the mother, an equal leader of this new life. You can call the shots at any time, about anything, to anyone.

Rise up and step into your new role. You didn’t abandon who you were before. You added to her.

You have become a m o t h e r - a new, fierce, energy that protects your babies and gives them the best life. You provide. It suits you.

My one largest piece of advice to anyone struggling in these precious new times is to check your expectations. You can get so stressed out and overwhelmed if you’re trying to keep up your old pace. Literally I felt my best all day when I set my expectations extremely low. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? But then, when you accomplish more, you feel rewarded and proud, rested and relaxed.

If you get just one thing done today, it’s enough.

If today you just spend time organizing your thoughts while entertaining your new little one, it’s enough.

If today you plan out tomorrow just to stay sane, it’s enough.

Time is a gift, not a thief.

We’ve all heard the phrase “time is a thief”. But lets ask ourselves… what if time truly is, the gift?

We have this time right now to soak in with our babies. Time to streamline our rhythms, breathe together, sync. We are given this time to learn and adjust. We can slow down right now. Time is something that never stops moving forward and no matter how hard we try, we can’t get it back. So don’t wallow in the past anymore. Enjoy the present, truly enjoy it. Everything else can wait, but this is time you’ll never have again.

Time isn’t the thief.
Your distaste for your new mom bod is the thief. Your comparison to others is the thief. Your phone is the thief. Lack of communication is the thief. Pouring from an empty cup is the thief. Burnout is the thief. Your unrealistic expectations are the thief.

Time is freedom, to just be in the moment.

Also, take a damn nap today instead of scrolling your phone. The gram can wait.

Toss your hair up, put on a comfy outfit, and just be. Be there for yourself and your new baby. Revel in the present, girlfriend. Use paper plates for a while if it means less dishes on the to-do list.

You don’t have to be for anyone else right now.

To the new mom -

You already have the instruction manual. We’re all writing these stories as we go and everyone’s stories are different.

We’ve all made mistakes along the way, and will again.

Those unsent messages, we’ve written them, as well.

Sometimes you will feel alone in your efforts to console the baby. We’ve felt it, as well.

You’ll be the only one awake at night. We’re up, too.

Those tattered last season shoes, we’re wearing them, as well.

Those bags under your eyes, we’ve got them, too.

The surprise you have when those first steps happen! We’ve been surprised, like you.

The questions you’re asking, we’ve asked those, too.

Pull up a chair at that table for yourself. We’ll be sitting there with you.

And that joy you’ll feel - when you look back and realize you’ve actually been thriving this entire time - we’ve felt it, also. It waits for you.

You can do this, mama, you will do this.
You’ll get through this. And I can even promise one day soon you’ll enjoy this. You’ll miss this.

You’ll grow and you’ll evolve through this, just as your baby does.

And one day, you’ll be giving advice to another new mom still in the stumbling phase.

It’s all normal, it all passes. It passes so quickly.

I promise you’ll walk right through this phase.

You’ll thrive.

You’ll grow.

You’ll learn.

You’ll mother.

I’ve been in your shoes, mama

But this your own beautiful story to tell

Your own instructions

Your own challenges and experiences, rewards and triumphs

You’ve got this

Love, Chloe